


In my buried dreams,  I run through your skin

by Juniiper



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Poetry, Self-Discovery, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28118325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juniiper/pseuds/Juniiper
Summary: “You don’t believe in love?”“I do. I believe but perhaps not in the same way as you.”“You think to love is selfish?”“I think to love is cruel.”
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	In my buried dreams,  I run through your skin

**Author's Note:**

> Before you get into this story, I would like to point out to you that this perhaps is not for everyone. It includes some potential details that though aren’t written explicitly could be disturbing for some readers. This first chapter is rather tame and I see no warnings here but as this story proceeds I will clearly mention any content warnings at the top so you can choose whether you read or not! 
> 
> This is all a work of fiction and does not describe seventeen in any way! 
> 
> Other than that, I do think it is a good read and I hope that you will like it as well! <3

“You’re not good at hiding things, you know.” Jeongyeon had an air of confidence surrounding her as she leaned against the door frame of his bedroom. Most times, Jeonghan wouldn’t care for what she was saying, he loved her more than he could ever say but there was only so much weightage that you could give to a siblings words. 

However, Jeonghan presently had a secret. One that he was guarding with all of his might and all it took was one look at his sister to come to the conclusion that he hadn’t done as well as he had thought. 

Still, he would try to play it off.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said, as nonchalant as he could manage, distracting himself and his racing heart with the laundry he had been folding before. There wasn’t much of it left meaning he would run out of things to occupy himself with far before his sister would stop prying. That would mean having to look at her, which would consequently lead to him spilling his so closely guarded secret. 

“Oh cut the crap, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You can avert my eyes as much as you want but it won’t change the fact that I  _ know. _ ” She plopped on to his bed with a jump, the folded clothes crumpling under her. It made Jeonghan flinch, granted that could have been because of her words as well.

That was the thing about Jeongyeon. She was unapologetic in every way, so while Jeonghan lamented the loss of his hard work, she merely flashed him a smile and made herself comfortable on the bed. 

“Come on big brother. You can tell me again and I’ll pretend I’m hearing it for the first time.”

It was a losing battle that he was fighting and he had learned long ago that fighting with Jeongyeon led to no fruition. So he did what a good brother would do and gave in. 

“Fine.” He said with a final sigh, dropping the jeans on the bed with far more force than needed. Jeongyeon didn’t flinch. 

“Jeongyeon,” He took a step backwards, clasped his hands together, felt the giddiness rising up his stomach, wrestled its way into a smile. “ I got into Columbia University.” 

And then after an exaggerated pause, 

“Full scholarship.” 

It’s all it took, Jeongyeon was up from the bed and into his arms before he could even process anything, her squeal of excitement prompting a stream of giggles from him as well. If he was being honest, telling someone made him process the news differently too. It settled in his mind a little later, now that he was free of the need to keep it a secret. 

Someone other than him knew. It was real. It was happening.

He had done it. 

He didn’t think it would matter but he had done it. Just like he had said he would. 

“I’m proud of you.” She said into his shoulder and Jeonghan felt the weight of her words on his chest. He felt them in his bones but it was freeing in a way he had never known. An odd feeling it was, making someone proud. 

He could get high off it. 

But he didn’t have the time to, didn’t get the chance to take it in, to gloat. He didn’t get to revel in his success because it would surely amount to nothing. And just like that, the happiness was replaced with a sinking feeling of grief. 

Jeongyeon seemed to pick up on his change in demeanour, could probably tell from the tenseness in his arms that something was wrong. She pulled away slowly, cautious and careful, regarding him with care. There was nothing in her eyes but sympathy and love and Jeonghan felt undeserving of it. 

He crumpled before her because it was only with her that he could.

“It doesn’t matter though, does it?” It came out bitter, more than he was expecting and despite how much his sister understood him, she flinched. He regretted his tone, but not his words because they were nothing but the truth.

As much as he would like to delude himself with thoughts of all that he could achieve at Columbia, he knew it was unhealthy. College wasn’t for people like him, his mother had insisted many a times. No, college was for the rich, not for people from a backend neighbourhood of New Jersey. 

“It could.” Jeongyeon insisted, determination in her eyes, God, Jeonghan cherished her so much, loved her for everything she did for him and more. She talked with so much conviction that Jeonghan almost believed her but they both knew the truth. 

“You know it won’t. Mom needs me here-“

“She needs your money.” Jeonghan didn’t want to say that, didn’t want to think so less of the woman that had raised him for so long but the truth couldn’t be avoided, no matter how much it hurt to hear. Jeongyeon wasn’t afraid to face the reality of their family but Jeonghan was. He desperately tried to cling to the memories of his mother from when he was younger, when she would sing him lullabies by the fire, when she would tuck him in bed and whisper “I love you” each night without fail.

He didn’t know when things changed. Was it after his sister was born? Was it after their father lost his job? Or was it after she had their little brother?

He didn’t know and a part of him never wanted to find out, afraid of what he may find. 

“Regardless. I can’t abandon my family, not when we’re saving up for Jaehyun’s surgery.” Jeonghan replied, once again busying himself with a task, keeping his eyes off of his sister's face, hiding the tears he so desperately wanted to shed. 

“You can lie to yourself all you want, I’ll still know the truth.” Jeongyeon spoke again, harsher than before because it was the only way she would get through to him. “Dad has a job, mom’s been hoarding money for God knows how long, Jaehyun will get his surgery one way or another. Mom can do without your money.”

“Yeon-ah. I’m not discussing this with you anymore. I’ve made up my mind.” 

“This decision wasn’t yours and you know it.” She said, voice low and angry before she threw a letter down on the bed and stormed out of the room. Jeonghan wanted to chase after her, wanted her to promise her not to tell anyone but he couldn’t move. 

So all he did was stare at the open letter on his bad, the words glaring back at him, adding to the agony. He wished at that moment that he hadn’t been accepted at all. Then he wouldn’t be hurting this way, then he would have to deal only with rejection. 

He wouldn’t have to worry about his family, of the money that they lacked, of his brother’s hearing disability, of his father’s tired form. He wouldn’t have to worry about having to leave, he wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to go. 

He wouldn’t be hopeful. 

But as life would have it, the  _ congratulations _ burned behind his eyes, mocked him, excited him, broke him all in the same breath.

He sat at the end of his bed, willing himself not to cry, trying to convince himself that this was what was good for them. But no matter how much he tried, his sister’s words echoed in his head, loud and continuous. 

_ This decision wasn’t yours.  _

  
  


* * *

  
  


Dinner was an awkward affair that night, his sister glared at him as he set the table. It made his hands tremble, not knowing what was going on in her head. 

He hated it. 

He put the wrong plates out, his mother noticed, snatched them from his hands with a hissed warning. 

He hated it. 

“Those plates are for the guests. What’s gotten into you?” She regarded him with cold eyes that left him more unsettled. He thought of what would happen if she were to find out about Columbia, wondered of all the reasons she would come up to make him stay. Perhaps she wouldn’t need them at all because looking at her now, Jeonghan was nothing but scared. 

Scared of her reaction, scared of being a disappointment, scared of being unloved. 

He hated it. 

“How come they're for the guests? We don’t have much of those anyway.” Jaehyun spoke from where he was sitting at the table. He was busy with his homework, glasses falling from the bridge of his nose as he scrutinised the numbers on the sheet. Jeonghan noticed belatedly that his shirt was a size too big, his body too little to pull it off correctly but it was a bright yellow. A colour he loved, a colour that made him hard to miss, a colour that matched the sun. Jeonghan didn’t think he was any less than that. 

“Because I said so.” His mother snapped back, placing a bowl of pasta on the table with much more force than was needed. Anger, she seemed to have a lot of it, especially these days. “Go put your books away and call your father down for dinner.” 

“Yes, mama.” Just like that Jaehyun was back to his soft voice, all confidence lost. Jeonghan missed it already, wished he could say something to make it better but he didn’t. He smiled at the boy in pity and understanding and he smiled back the same, but it wasn’t real. 

He hated it. 

And then just like always, they quietly finished setting the table. His hands shook more and more as the time passed and he wasn’t sure why. His mother grew more restless, his father delayed his presence longer. 

The food was getting cold. They wouldn’t eat without all of them there. 

The line was getting thinner, Jeonghan knew to expect a fight. So did his siblings, he could see it in their rigid forms, could see it in the way Jeongyeon gripped the table so tightly, could see it in the way Jaehyun removed his hearing aids. 

He hated it. 

But what he didn’t think was that he would be the reason for a fight. 

Most times it was money, other times it was the house but it was never about him, he made sure of it. 

“You want to tell me what this is about?” His father stepped off the stairs slowly, the letter held between his fingers and Jeonghan could have fainted there. He hadn’t ever experienced that before but he thought this was what it must feel like. 

“What is that?” His mother questioned from her seat at the table and Jeonghan’s brain went into overdrive, he fisted and unfitted his hand a dozen times as his mother looked at her with her cold eyes. There was a question there, confusion and Jeonghan felt suffocated. 

He wanted to drop everything and run to his room, lock himself away from prying eyes and questioning looks. He wanted to be anywhere but there. 

“It’s an acceptance letter. For Columbia university.” His father said as a matter of fact, he held the letter tightly, it crumpled with his grip and Jeonghan felt a lot like it. Trapped. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeongyeon sink more into her seat

“Columbia? That school in New York?” His mother asked his father and it was the first time in a long while that Jeonghan had heard her use a gentle tone with her father. There was no irritation there, just genuine confusion and Jeonghan was scared of what it would mean.

“That’s the Ivy League!” Jaehyun supplied from his seat and Jeonghan felt the same pride bubbling in his stomach. Jaehyun’s eyes sparkled as he pushed himself up, staring at Jeonghan with so much elation. His brother was a charm and if he could he would have smiled at him. “Hyung got in?” 

“I did.” Perhaps it was the genuine joy on his brother's face or the gentle way his father was looking at him but he found his voice again. He didn’t dare look at his mother though, terrified of what he may find. 

“Well, I’m sure you’ve already told them no?” Jeonghan didn’t even get to revel in the happy atmosphere, he didn’t even get a chance to take relief in the weight off his shoulders before his mother spoke. 

“I- well,”

“What do you mean, said no?” His father always had a loud voice, it was deep and kind of throaty, but this time it was loud in a different way. In a way Jeonghan had never heard before. He was angry. 

“I mean, that he should’ve already turned them down because we can’t afford to send him away now.” He could tell his mother was trying to keep her voice level but her hands shook just like his own, he wasn’t sure if it was anger or terror. He could never tell with his mother anymore. 

“The boy got into an Ivy League, on scholarship, with nothing but his own hard work and you’re trying to tell him what he can and cannot do?” He got louder, his mother’s whole body trembled but the anger showed on her face now. Jeonghan wished to be somewhere else, so did his siblings. He tilted his head in the direction of the bedroom, willing them to get up and get out before they heard something that struck. 

He couldn’t get out of this but he could sure as hell keep them away. 

Because the voices only got louder, Jaehyun covered his ears as he slipped away, jeongyeon following suit. She sent a guilty smile in his direction, one that asked for forgiveness but there wasn’t any need for it. Jeonghan never blamed her anyway. 

This was bound to happen. 

“How could you be so selfish?” Out of the ruckus he so desperately tried to ignore, came a voice directed at him. It was hard to miss, it was sharp and accusatory and could only ever come from his mother. “How could you even think about abandoning us?”

“I’m not-“

“You can leave now, Jeonghan. I’ll talk about this with you later.” His father spoke to him gently and it came as a reprieve. He would give anything to just leave but of course it wasn’t that easy. 

Only a step forward and his mother was holding him back with a grip so gentle it hurt. She hadn’t touched him like that since he was a child, with so much care and concern. It burned him and he wanted to rip his arm away but he didn’t because there were tears in his mom’s eyes. Tears that he had caused. 

“Jeonghannie, you wouldn’t leave your mother, would you?” She spoke so sweetly, so caring, so loving and Jeonghan hated it. He felt like he was being mocked, like he was made a joke of. All these years of nothing but the cold shoulder and now she looked at him like he was the only one who mattered. 

It was awful.

It made him ache in ways he never knew. 

He couldn’t have gotten out of there faster. 

  
  


* * *

“I wouldn’t worry about your mother too much.” 

Jeonghan had sat at the end of the stairs of his house, head in his hands trying to block out the screams. He had wanted to go somewhere else, to the diner down the street, to the park, but he couldn’t move.

So he stayed and listened till his heart ached and his stomach churned. His father’s presence should have been comforting at that moment but he wasn’t sure anything could have been at that time. Not with the storm raging in his mind. 

He let out a laugh at his fathers words, disbelieving and partially annoyed. It was easy for him to say when he had perfected the act over the years. Jeonghan wasn’t used to it. He wasn’t used to talking back, wasn’t used to choosing for himself but God, did he want to. 

“It’s hard not to.” 

“I know.” The stair creaked as his father sat next to him and Jeonghan liked the warmth next to him. His father had always been warm, never wavered. “And I won’t say it gets easier but I will say it’s necessary. You listen to her and you won’t get anywhere, son.” 

He didn’t know what to say. There was truth in his words and they felt good to hear but there was still a twinge in his heart. She was his mother, no matter the circumstances, no matter the behaviour.

“I can’t just leave, dad. Not right now.”

“But do you want to?” 

“That’s not the point.”

“Answer the question. Do you want to or not?” He was interrupted again and this time left to ponder. 

“I do.” He admitted after a moment and it was freeing in the best way. It also happened to be the first time he admitted to himself, the first time he admitted that he did want to be more than a mere salesman. 

“Well then, you better pack your stuff.” There wasn't any room to argue with him and a part of Jeonghan was glad that someone else was making the decision for him, it was only a bonus that it was in his favour. But it didn’t feel right. 

“How can I?” 

“You remember that time I got that promotion? The one we had to move to Texas for?” His father sighed. Jeonghan did remember. His father got a job as a football coach in one of the universities in Texas. It paid well and it was a good move for them. Unfortunately for them they didn’t move.

“Your mother didn’t want to move. Your brother and sister didn’t want to move but you never told me no. You understood.” That was true as well, all of them had issues with moving and truthfully, so did Jeonghan but he saw the excitement on his father’s face when he talked about it. 

“What I’m trying to say is, it’s time to stop thinking about others. You’ve got to get out of here, you need to make a future for yourself.” 

“There could be a future here.” He tried to say, tried to convince himself. 

“Trust me, Jeonghan, there isn’t. You’ve got potential, you’re smart and I need you to stop thinking of everyone but yourself. You need to do this for yourself.” His father looked tired, he  _ was _ tired and Jeonghan understood his pain.

He understood his point. 

Perhaps it was time to think for himself, to discover who he was, to find himself.

And what better place to do it than Columbia. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Why did I write 3000 words for a first chapter? Who knows. 
> 
> Twitter: [dusksvt](http://www.twitter.com/dusksvt?s=09)


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